Needing is For Suckers

I've been feeling like my whole life is on hold while we wait to find out what my mother's treatment plan will be for her lung cancer.  Will she have surgery, then go to Iowa for chemo? Will she have chemo in Cincinnati, then surgery, then go to Iowa for more chemo? Or is there some other plan I don't even know about, because once a person gets sick, their entire life is handed over to a bunch of overpaid doctors who may or may not give a rat's ass? Thank God I'm not bitter.

I have been known, once or twice in my life, to be a non-compliant patient.  My sister, who has been in health field for years, occasionally likes to call me and scream "Non-compliant! Non-compliant!" then hang up the phone.  It's true.  There's nothing I hate worse than feeling like my life's plan is in some one else's hands.  It's not that I doubt the wisdom of men and women who have studied medicine for many years.  I know they're probably right.  I just think they don't know me.  If they knew me, they'd know I'm not going to wear a cast for five months when six weeks will do, thanks.  I'm not going to take vitamins. I'm not going to "take it easy." Taking it easy is for suckers. Illness is for suckers, which is how I ended up, during my MA program, in the hospital with a leg swollen to three times its size after being forced into it by my office mates, who were so grossed out they kicked me out and I had no place else to go. Swollen legs are for suckers, as is mono, which is what it turned out I had.

I got this attitude, at least in part, from my mother.  One of her classic lines: "I'm sorry.  I just don't like sick people." Who does.  They're all needy, and sicky and coughy and, well, yuck. 

It sucks to be needy.  It sucks to not be able to do for yourself.  After I had a c-section with my daughter, I got in trouble with my doctor because I refused to just lay around in the hospital bed, waiting to heal.  I wheeled her little plastic bed up and down the halls of the maternity ward.

I know there is sanity to healing-- to allowing your body to heal.  I'm just not good at it.  Healing feels bad to me.  It's too needy. I've never been a fan of needing other people.  I don't get warm fuzzy feelings when people do things for me.  I feel indebted.  In debt. I just want to do it for myself.  Yes, I recognize that voice.  It's the voice of a two year old.  I can do it! I can just do it myself!