I quit smoking cigarettes fifty three hours ago. Some people said I should start a blog. I didn’t want to. I don’t like people who write blogs unless they have extraordinarily good reasons. But then again, I don’t like people who don’t smoke, either.
Several websites noted that quitting smoking is often termed “the most difficult thing” an ex-smoker has ever done. Clearly, I thought, these are especially weak ex-smokers. I, on the other hand, have given birth to an eleven pound baby. I walked on a broken leg for a week before I got it x-rayed. I used to kickbox. I’ve had eight concussions for fuck’s sake.
QUITTING SMOKING IS THE HARDEST THING I’VE EVER HAD TO DO. I’d give birth to seventeen eleven pound babies right now if someone would give me a fucking cigarette.
I’m not a particularly pleasant person when I am smoking. Not smoking, I screamed, “You are ruining my life, you asshole” at an old man who was driving slow, making it hard for me to turn.
“Oh, my god, Mama,” my ten year old daughter said. “He can hear you!”
“Well, sorry,” I responded, slipping the old guy the middle finger, pretending to brush some hair out of my face so she wouldn’t know.
My two daughters and two dogs watched on from the back seat, where I had dragged and placed them after screaming, “put some shorts on now, right now, and get in the car because I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE” and driving to a park to sludge through the river.
“She’ll follow, or she’ll die out here” I told my eight year old when she asked if we shouldn’t pick up the Chihuahua and carry her through the deeper water.
I’ve had some extremely insane moments in the last fifty three hours. I’ve wondered if it was cigarettes that kept me just barely on the other side of Crazytown. The verdict is still out.
From an email to my sister: you stink. Grass stinks. Dogs stink. Papers stink. Why the fuck does the world SMELL SO BAD? Why does everything have such a strong fucking SMELL? FUCK YOU STANK ASS WORLD.
Smoking cessation. Day three. The pacifier really helps to focus me on my deep psychological issues.
tHE MaChINE gUN IS mIGHTiER tHan thE sWOrD.
Asha,
ReplyDeleteI just now saw this (quitting has blinded me, I guess). You're right-- you're EXACTLY right. I never took into consideration how much I depend on cigarettes to provide me opportunities I would never provide myself. I remember my cousin told me that the hardest part about quitting smoking was the loss of that forced relaxation. I didn't get it-- I guess I'm just now getting it. I didn't think about how many times I've sat on my deck and had three hour long phone conversations (smoking the whole time), or the times I've stood outside Denney and shared cigarettes with people (hi Ray!). I rarely allow myself these indulgences--I'm always on the run to the next thing I'm not doing "good enough". I never thought about what it would mean to not have the cigarette-excuse (well, I gotta be outside, cuz I'm smoking. What else am I going to do but talk to this friend?) Cigarettes were my bad habit-- talking to friends was my bad habit--taking an hour off was my bad habit.