Reawakening the Beast

It has been pointed out to me numerous times lately that I post to Facebook a lot.  Like A LOT.  At first I was all nobody-puts-baby-in-a-corner pissed off about it, but I have gained at least enough self knowledge to know that any time I get pissed off, it's probably about me, and it's probably (damnably) true.

It's the instant fix.  If I weren't so afraid of losing control I'd be a heroin addict.  Instead, for years and years I was a compulsive eater.  Nothing like insulin shots to the stomach three times a day and still sitting in the ER with blood sugars over 450 and the doctor telling you, "You'll be dead soon" to cure an addiction.  Except there was no cure.  I lost 100 pounds and became a compulsive shopper.

 I didn't care what I bought.  For a long time it was compulsive grocery shopping.  When I was a teenager my friends and I shoplifted.  I have visceral, physical memories of the gang of us leaving the store, turning a corner, then searching ourselves to figure out what we got.  It was that quick-- the forgetting. It's not the purple lip gloss.  It's the getting, and it's the having. Compulsive shopping feels like that.  You buy and you buy, and then you get the reward of opening the bags or boxes and saying OH I bought THAT!

But I was destroying my children's future.  So I started making lists on my phone of all the things I HAD to buy.  And I add to the list, and I delete things that, when I added them I HAD TO HAVE THEM, but now I can't for the life of me figure out why.

I don't know that Facebook posting has become my replacement addiction.  It doesn't feel THAT good. But there is a pleasure in it.  It's not the likes.  Let's be honest-- anyone with even a minimum amount of technological savvy hid me long ago.  I'm the traffic accident without blood and arms flying.  I'm a Facebook fender bender.  I fuck up traffic, but there's little pay off.  It's the spewing of words and the "post" and it's done.  No thinking, no shaping, no editing (GOD I hate editing).  It's the quick fix.  It's my free heroin, bread, Amazon.

Michelle H (if you don't want to face facts AVOID HER.  Trust me) said, "At least when you had your blog you were really writing."  So here I am.  I'm reawakening the blog, not as a new thing, but as a transition back to who I was always supposed to be.  I've always been the little girl who was silenced who turned to writing to make her noise in the world.  So I return here as a way-station back to who I was before.  A writer of more than Facebook posts. A Real (capital R) writer.